Shannon's World

How am I feeling?: sick

My mind is blank lately; either that or I just don’t want to think about things too deeply.  I guess I am scared sometimes because I just want to be happy.  Things have been looking up more and more lately however, even though I sit here now drugged up and sick.  My spring break is coming to a close… my mom came down to Richmond to hang out this week.  Unfortunately, she has been stuck taking care of my sick-ass for the most part.  It was in the mid-80s the first couple days of the break, so we got to go chill at VA Beach.  It definitely spoiled me and made me count down the days until summer a lot more!  Anyway, I guess I should get some sleep sometime so I can feel better.

How am I feeling?: thirsty

I have been purposely avoiding this journal for the past couple of weeks.  First, I had my first hell week of studying a few weeks ago, and my second home was the library for a while.  I am in the midst of another one of those times this week as well.  Last week was just rough all around.  Valentine’s Day seriously gives me bad anxiety and just put me in a foul mood for a few days.  I had no ambition to do anything, as my neglected room is showing me right now.  My good friend alcohol kept me sane with some fun nights in between all the stress and drama.  In some good news though, Leah invited me to play on her soccer team tomorrow with her.  Sports were always a way for me to relive stress, and I am psyched that I actually have something to look forward to doing tomorrow. Hopefully, I still have some skill left in me because I definitely know I don’t have the endurance at the moment.  And also a good note… baseball season is starting up again yay!!!!

How am I feeling?: confused

Who would have thought that someone could have such power over me?  He can give me an honest answer to something that I ask him earlier, which absolutely breaks my heart.  Then I talk to him at night, and he can bring me right back up again in a matter of a few seconds.   I think he knows exactly how to push my buttons, which sucks because he can easily take advantage of the situation.  

How am I feeling?: content

Things are looking sunnier today… both literally and figuratively.  Thank god!  Though this weekend wore my body down, I might already need a nap.  

How am I feeling?: sad

I was doing perfectly fine, and I thought I was finally getting over it.  Last night, it all came up again; the story of how we met, and how it all ended up.  I came home and was given a few other small reminders on myspace… basically my downfall as of lately.  So now, here I sit.  I am literally having a panic attack; my heart beating fast and I can barely breathe.  It has to be the absolute worst feeling in the world, but I can’t do anything about it.  I can’t sleep or find anything else to take my mind off it… blah.

How am I feeling?: content

Confidence is a very important aspect of my life.  Most of my life I have lacked it, causing me to under perform in whatever I was trying to do.  I can’t even imagine the amazing things I could have done over the years if I had only had some confidence in myself.  Lately, however, I feel like I am riding high with everything I am doing.  For one thing, I am in the process of changing my major and starting fresh this semester. So far, my classes are very interesting to me and I actually look forward to going to them.  I especially like my econ teacher… he is funny even though I can tell he is conservative.   We have a bird that flies around in our classroom (the business building auditorium).  He even offered bonus points to whoever gets shit on by the bird during class. 

Another thing that is helping me lately is not taking guys too seriously.  I am having fun right now just hanging out with my friends.  Justin has been busy with Navy stuff in Japan lately, I am assuming he is either doing some training or out to sea right now, so I am not constantly reminded of him because he is never online.  It’s kinda weird how that works out.  I miss him less when I am not talking to him.  Guess that is maybe also because I am keeping myself busy.  Also, I have been telling off asshole guys a lot more lately because they are not even worth my time. It was morons like them who used to bring me down all the time, but I know that I am better than them anyway.

I am definitely looking forward to the start of a new week tomorrow, and just keeping myself as busy as I possibly can.

How am I feeling?: hungry

So a lot has happened since I last wrote on here. Right now, I am back in Richmond and classes have started for the spring semester.  I drove back in almost exactly 12 hours last Sunday, which sucked because it snowed from Maine to Connecticut.  I didn’t really have much of a break because I worked almost everyday, and I had lots of things I had to do on my days off.  I am not complaining though because being busy helps to take my mind off of things that are bothering me. 

I had a lot of fun at home though.  Most of the time I was out having a few drinks and hanging out with my friends until early in the morning, while I had to work the next day.  I am easily irritated when I don’t get the right amount of sleep, but I wasn’t complaining too badly.  There is just always something different and special about friends from your hometown.  We all have some bond no matter what happens, and no matter of what other friends we may make along the way.  I feel like they are the only ones who truly understand the complete me.

Last Thursday was the last time that our crew hung out together, and we sure ended it in a bang!  We started out at Ethyn’s house… I got there while they were in an intense game of “Scene It.”  I have to say that the girls were kicking ass, and Fred needs to watch some more movies!  Anyway, we ended up going to the Oasis for college night.  We all seemed to think it was going to be some sketchy place because it is on downtown Lisbon St, but it actually was a lot of fun.  By the end of the night I straight out refused two guys who were trying to dance with me, elbowed a guy wicked hard after he grabbed my sides, and back into a large crowd to push them back because they kept running into me.  Let’s just say I have a strong case of “little man syndrome.”  After the Oasis, we decided to go to Denny’s for some good late-night food and craziness.  It was, by far, my craziest Denny’s experience ever!  At one point, this drunken guy named John came in with a puke stain on his shirt and was introducing himself to everyone in our room.  He was very loud, but the shit that came out of his mouth almost made me pee myself many times.  Then out of no where, this fight starts to break out between a girl and guy on the other side of the room.  John not missing a beat yelled out “That’s what we need tonight… a good old knife fight!”  A female cop strolled into the room and immediately handcuffed the wigger guy trying to fight.  I took some video on my camera, and wish I could find a way to upload that for free online.  The picture on the side is of our waitress Ginger, drunken John, and Joe not knowing what the fuck is happening!

The day before I left, I got my belly button pierced finally!  Funny thing is, my mom and my aunt Shannon beat me to it the day before.  This after my mom asked me if I wanted to be an old grandma with a hole in my belly the day before.  The place we went to in Brunswick was so chill.  I think it was called Ron’s Piercing Experience.  Ron himself did mine and he was wicked funny… his wife Kat was also hilarious and made fun of my mom for screaming the day before.  If I ever were to get anything else done, I would definitely go there in an instant!  I will write more about my classes and such later.

How am I feeling?: content

Today I finally had a day off!  To start off the New Year right, I had my teeth cleaned at the dentist.  Is it lame that I actually find it relaxing to get my teeth cleaned?  Anyway, I was also in the mood to be a little extreme today.  I have always wanted to get my belly button pierced, but I have never gotten around to actually doing it.  So I was driving around trying to find a place that was open to do it, when I started wondering how much a small tattoo might cost too.  Unfortunately, all the places I knew of were closed… btw who decided that the second of January is a holiday?  I guess my point is that I am in the mood to do things that I have never thought of doing before. 

Speaking of the New Year, I started it off by going to a random Lewiston party.  I had an absolute blast because people were there that I haven’t seen in like 5-6 years.  I also met some new people, which is always.  Lots of male wrestling, broken glass, and drunk people haha.  I hate you Aaron and Joe for beating me in beer pong though, after I was talk all that smack!

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrasing it is.

How Many Songs: 1542
Hours of Music: 4.3 days

Sort By Song Title:
First Song: (Oh) Pretty Woman – Van Halen
Last Song: Zombie – The Cranberries

Sort By Time:
Shortest: Then – O.A.R (0.08)
Longest: Two Step (live) – Dave Matthews Band

Sort By Album:
First Song: Sweetheart – Mariah Carey
Last Song: Don’t Cha – Pussycat Dolls
Most Played Song: Don’t Stop Believin’ - Journey

First Song To Come Up On Random: The Voice Within – Christina Aguilera
Search (how many times does it come up?):
sex: 7
death: 14
love: 88
you: 198

How am I feeling?: rushed

So I have been home in Maine for over a week now.  I worked all last week, and it was absolute hell.  People were so ignorant and rude… so many times I just wanted to tell them off because most of them were just white trash with attitudes.  I especially hate last minute shoppers who come in and expect to have everything fully stocked, as there are tons of people just like them buying everything in sight. Christmas Eve actually wasn’t that bad though, people were generally nice and it wasn’t too crazy. 

I hate how the holidays just help to add to my loneliness.  It especially sucks when my little cousins start bringing their gf’s to show off to the family.  I have never had the pleasure of introducing a bf to the family.  That fact was proven to me even more into me as I went to my grandparents’ house the next day and I was the only one there without a significant other.  I don’t know what the hell I am going to do if I am alone on Valentine’s Day again.

Anyway, this brings me to my New Year’s resolution.  I am not going to hook up with anyone that I am not dating.  I came to this decision after having experienced it myself, and after seeing what similar situations have done to some of my friends.  Hooking up usually always causes a negative consequence, so I am just not going to even bother with it while my heart is as frail as it is.  I am not going to jinx myself either, but let’s just say I would not make this resolution unless there was some chance that I was actually going to be with someone.

I promise to try to get better at updating this, but usually I just don’t have the time or energy to do so.

How am I feeling?: productive

Finals week!! Eeeeks!

So it is that time of year again, a time for adderall and no sleep… time for a diet consisting of Red Bull and Mt. Dew.  Thankfully, also a time where us college students can make up for a little bit of slacking off during the semester, by taking a single test that is worth 25% of our final grade.  Hey at least I am optimistic about the whole thing. 

Currently, I am hyped up on adderall due to the fact that I am going to be pulling 2 all-nighters in a row.  My finals schedule for this week:

International Relations – Monday @ 8am (lucky me)

Biology – Tuesday @ 4pm

Calculus – Thursday @ 4pm

At the same time I am so broke again that after each final I take, I am going to sell the book for that class to get money.  Ah… the life of a college student by the end of the semester.  I am also planning on driving home Friday morning.  Hopefully my new found Lewiston buddy in VA, Justin, will be able to get off work and hitch a ride with me! 

Best of luck to all of you in the same boat as me!

How am I feeling?: hopeful

Some days I feel like I just can’t go on without him.  Other days, I am perfectly fine in knowing that he is still there for me, even though we don’t have that special title anymore.  Having that special title would mean a lot, but I have to be thankful that I still have him in my life, like I always did.  He is still the only person I can tell everything too… and the best part about that is he is not afraid to tell me when I am being stupid.   For now, I am just going to live my life and wait until I go to Japan to see what happens.

On a side note, my mom found a good present for him online today.  Pretty sad that basically my mom knows just about everything about him, even though she has never met him.  

How am I feeling?: okay

Ever been to a party and you just happen to see every person of the opposite sex that you don’t want to see together in the same room?  Well that happened this Friday night.  None of them knew each other as far as I know, but they were randomly sitting next to each other and talking too.  Can you say awkward?  One of them told me that I was mean and kept “bumping into” me.  Another later called me to inform me that I was ignoring him, then told me to fuck off.  Luckily, I was rather drunk from a box of Franzia, so I wasn’t too bothered by it all.  I just laugh at the fact that the ball is actually in my court for once too. 

I just cleaned my entire room… including vacuuming my whole floor too.  I have two tests this week and three finals next week, so I figured that I might as well start off with a “clean slate.”  I can’t believe the semester is coming to an end already.

How am I feeling?: satisfied

So Thanksgiving break has come and gone, but it really wasn’t a break for me at all.  For starters, I didn’t sleep on Monday night because I had to drive to Baltimore at 2:30am to catch my flight for 7:10am.  The flight was too quick to sleep a wink, but I was doing everything in my power to keep my eyes open on the drive back (2 hours) from Manchester.  My mom, as she always does, thought I looked too skinny and immediately took me to a breakfast place and offered to buy me everything on the menu.  As much as I wanted to eat everything on the menu (because I love breakfast food), I got stuffed after eating a couple bites from everything I ordered.  My appetite just isn’t what it used to be anymore.

Thanksgiving was alright; I tried to stuff myself as much as I could again.  We went with my dad’s side of the family to the Ramada for a buffet dinner.  The food was actually very good, and they had a ton of desserts.  We then went back to my memere and pepere’s house and just chilled out… watching classic movies and telling old stories about each other, the normal drill.  Since we didn’t have any turkey leftovers, my mom decided to buy herself a turkey breast to cook so she could have her annual turkey sandwich.

The best part about the break was my 21^st bday!!!  It was on Black Friday, which I also had to work on.  I worked 10-7, then got ready to go out.  My mom brought me to the Ground Round for my first drinks, and some delicious appetizers.  Later, I went with Fred to the Blue Goose to get crazy.  We got a pitcher of beer, two shots, plus three more bottles of beer.  Joey even made an appearance after I bitched him out a day before for various reasons.  The sad part about this all is the fact that after all those drinks, I wasn’t unbelievably wasted at all.  I wasn’t even hungover at all when I woke up the next day either.

A few side notes from the week:

-          It snowed almost everyday I was there, including four inches on Thanksgiving.  I was also freezing my ass of the whole time because it never seemed to get above freezing.  My mom said I brought the cold weather with me, but I beg to differ.

-          It was always rumored that the Blue Goose was a gay bar, ever since I can remember.  According to Beedie, he said that it has always just been a sausage fest because that’s where all the hockey players went.  It definitely isn’t a gay bar now, I can tell you that much!

-          A few of us went to a house party, but were scratching our heads because everyone in the place seemed to be a year or two below us.  We were wondering where our age and above were.  We would later come to find out that since everyone is becoming old enough to go to bars, they were all hanging out there instead of lame house parties.

How am I feeling?: nerdy

Ever had a dream about a complete stranger?  I had one last night, the first time I have dreamt about anyone but Justin lately.  I was back in high school playing soccer.  For some reason, the guys’ and girls’ teams were blended together for a scrimmage.  I was totally kicking this guy’s ass who played left mid (I was playing right mid).  After the game while we were shaking hands, he stopped and followed after me.  He then put his arm around me, and we started to walk off the field.  That’s when I woke up.

For one thing, I have no idea who the hell this guy is but I feel like I fell in love with him haha.  Now I am hoping that maybe I will randomly meet him today or something.  Also, I get incredibly pissed off at my dreams when I decide to just wake up suddenly like that.  After I woke up, I tried to fall back asleep and continue the dream.  Of course that didn’t happen and I have been awake ever since.

Have I reached a new level of pathetic?

How am I feeling?: anxious

I think I suffer from pre-test anxienty… yes I just made this up right now myself.  I finally figured it out (btw I have a big bio test tomorrow).  The night before a big test, I can never concentrate enough to actually study for it.  I am just in an overall foul mood!  I got annoyed with every phone call I got tonight, not matter if I really wanted to talk to the person or not.  The only thing that is stopping me from shutting it off right now is a family emergency.  Anyway, I am going to try to put my exhaustion to good use by going to bed early.  Goodnight world.

How am I feeling?: aggravated

Tati wrote an entry in her Xanga a few days ago that really made me think hard about things.  One specific thing that she said definitely hit a chord and opened my eyes to why I get so frustrated with Justin lately.  She stated, “I think most guys don't seem to realize that girls overanalyze everything, therefore we appreciate very small minor things a whole lot.”

That’s really what I have been missing the most with Justin; he just doesn’t realize how much a simple statement like “I miss you” would make me feel.  I feel like I have to pry things out of him because he is too stubborn to admit things on his own, causing me to get increasingly frustrated and pissed off.  I know that I love nothing more than getting a sweet compliment straight from the heart from the person I adore the most, as with the case with most girls.  I never have really gotten too many compliments in my lifetime in general, so I don’t take them with a simple grain of salt.  Though that simple fact really makes me feel inadequate as a person sometimes.  Guys if you are reading this, give your girl a sweet compliment once in a while… it will definitely mean the world to her!

I decided to give Aimee a call last night because I knew that she was at UMaine visiting Christine.  This phone call was long overdue, but I felt like I was being a terrible friend.  Seems like we are all going through very hard times lately.  I also had a conversation earlier with Jimmy last night too…  he is in Ohio right now.  He called me yesterday morning sounding very sad, but I was kind of out of it since it was a little early for me.  I just had to call him back and make sure that everything was alright.  He said he didn’t want to get into specifics and said that it was a “long story,” but all of us who know him knew what he was sad about.  I just tried to cheer him up by telling him some funny stories, and letting him know how much fun our crew is going to have together on Thanksgiving break.  Hopefully I helped to cheer him up a little. 

And btw Kelly Clarkson could not express better in a song how I feel right now ( lyrics behind cut )

How am I feeling?: exhausted

This week is going to be the end of me for sure!  I am aiming for an A, and nothing less than an A, on my International Relations test tomorrow.  I was reading at a slow pace all of last week to try to get a head start, but other stuff came up.  So now I have been cramming the past two nights; I stayed up until 6am studying last night, and I am studying straight through to my test tomorrow morning at 11am.  I don’t get to rest after that test is over either.  I have a calculus quiz the next day, which I am basically going to treat like a test.  All I know is that I am going to be REAL thirsty on Thursday!

Kim and I were having a discussion about guys at VCU, or lack there of.  Honestly, there are no guys who have boyfriend potential at all.  We also joked about how we don’t even have any eye candy just to look at.  There are not many very attractive guys at VCU, if any at all.  Seriously, we have to go outside of Richmond to find any decent guys at all.  It shouldn’t be this hard!  Since all of my relationships have been somewhat distant, it gets very frustrating to me. 

Anyway, I might cook a late night snack (pizza rolls) and get back to studying… blah!

How am I feeling?: peaceful

! Halloween weekend!!

“Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”  - Mean Girls

So yeah, three days of dressing like a slut can really take a toll on you haha.  I really had no money for a costume this year, so I just pieced together a naughty schoolgirl costume.  I didn’t intend it to be as slutty as it turned out, though.  The weekend started with a party at Kim’s house on Thursday night, in which I got completely trashed.  I had such a good time though, it really has been a while!  I kept blacking out throughout the night (I don’t even remember walking home!), and I got a lot of compliments about my costume.  Friday night, I went to Pi lam’s Halloween party… didn’t really drink a whole lot because I was still recovering from the night before.  Saturday night, I was already sick of dressing up so I went to Aaron’s house for a little get-together for Adam and Amir’s bdays.   This get-together blew up into a huge costume party, so I decided to put the costume back on one last time. 

Other people continued on Sunday and Monday night, but I decided be productive and do work instead.  I was so sick of that slutty little costume at that point.  I decided to go out for college night at Bogart’s on Tuesday night though.  I never really intended on getting drunk, but JC pissed me off in plain view so I decided to drink away my frustration and anger.  I came back to my house, declared my love for Justin on a myspace message and cried myself to sleep.  I’m definitely making Japan on spring break a top goal of mine!

How am I feeling?: determined

Ok so here’s the deal.  I am pulling a calculus all-nighter #2 with Ying for our second test.  Aided by adderall, Sobe Adrenaline Rush, and Mt Dew, I hope to rape this test!  I just got back from the library after being there for about six hours, and I desperately needed a break from all these derivatives! 

Even though I am cold and wet from the pouring rain all day, along with being physically exhausted, I am still in a very chipper mood.  I went out to lunch with JC today, then we watched IRobot on tv before I had to go to class.  I went to class, ate dinner at Shafer, and went tanning with Kim before I hit the library. 

Anyway, maybe I should get back to studying weeee!  Ying said she wants some Micky D’s breakfast at 6am… who knows if I will still be awake by then.  Peace out homies.